I never know how much to tip a cow.
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy