I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
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HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper鈥檚 suit] …oh
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven鈥檛 eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I didn鈥檛 eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I鈥檓 on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 馃槝
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 馃槈
Them: …many, many laws.
This can never not be funny 馃槶馃槶
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
My man put me on eBay, that鈥檚 right, I got bidnapped
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”