Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday