You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
fly smarter, not harder
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”