DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
You Might Also Like
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog