I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
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Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
the council will decide your fate
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!