I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Home is where your toilet is.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines