I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I triple waxed for this?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad