Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
technically true but not a great slogan
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.