Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Trying
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.