Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*