[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?