“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
😂😂😂
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.