Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
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Every work call, he judges.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]