dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
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A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie