Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.