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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake