My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
IT’S-A ME,
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.