My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
What my back needs
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Coworker: I didn鈥檛 know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I鈥檓 on the run.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 馃槀
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
HUSBAND: We鈥檙e meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
伪: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine鈥檚 Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas