Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Pat is about to own someone
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together