[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
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Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
How do you milk an almond?
#Caturday
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?