Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
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*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating