me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.