Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
You Might Also Like
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze