Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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Me buying fruit and veg
Sticker placement is key.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?