*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Worst Native American name ever.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.