Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.