I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
You Might Also Like
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?