You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no