Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.