EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
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[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir