Every work call, he judges.
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why