Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Dolls on drugs
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?