[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2