My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
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judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.