Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
#oldknees
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.