casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.