There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.