By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Why am I like this?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”