Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.