A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials