Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
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2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”