Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
That lamp looks PISSED.