Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
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Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
asked my bf how work was today
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.