Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
You Might Also Like
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore