God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice