I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Same pineapple, same
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.