My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”