Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
This headline is a thing of beauty
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
happy valentine’s day to me
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?