Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
translated into Canadian
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I feel seen.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Finally a use for spoilers…
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.